


The Name Within

by Magistra



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Anger Management, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Badass Lea (Kingdom Hearts), Dark Past, Drinking to Cope, Emotionally Repressed, Identity Issues, Loss of Control, M/M, Mad Science, Memory Alteration, Memory Related, Organization XIII (Kingdom Hearts), Post-Game(s), chosen family, loving partner
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 09:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19742422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magistra/pseuds/Magistra
Summary: A year after Kingdom Hearts 3, Isa is still struggling to deal with his emotions and come to terms with his new identity. Convinced there is something wrong with his heart, Isa turns to his old colleague Even for help. Meanwhile, Lea does not understand. Isn't Isa perfect as he is? If they both love each other, why can't he accept himself?Angst peppered with fluff. Written for Akusai Month 2019.





	1. In Le Grand Bistrot

**Author's Note:**

> This story is written as part of misomilk's Akusai Month challenge. There should be a new chapter every week for the duration of the challenge!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SLOW BURN Day 1: Change // "You’re going to be fine.”

Le Grand Bistrot was quite busy for a Tuesday afternoon. Isa sat alone in the corner watching the waiters rush to and from the kitchen, an empty seat in front of him. The smell of delicious, rich food hung in the air, and the droning chatter of the restaurant's patrons gave the place a comfortable, almost soporific feel. A half-empty glass bottle sat on the table, and there was one red, slightly bitter half-inch of liquid left in his glass. He lifted it towards his lips and then put it down again as a tall man in a lab coat sidestepped a waiter, squeezed between two occupied chairs, and slid into the chair across the table. "You're late, Even," he said. 

The man laughed a short, nasal laugh, shaking his head. His long, slightly greasy, dirty-blonde hair shook too, and Isa had to consciously stop himself from wrinkling his nose. Even himself didn’t smell, but his Nobody hadn’t been the type to wash. Nevertheless, if the scientist had noticed Isa's reaction, he didn't show it. "Regaining your humanity didn't change you much, then," he said. "I should call you Isa, right?" 

Isa nodded, and picked up the bottle from the table. "Wine?" he asked. 

"No thank you, I like my mind to stay as sharp as possible," replied Even. 

Isa bristled for a moment before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Then, he picked up the bottle and refilled his own glass to near the brim. He looked up to meet Even's reproachful stare. Holding his gaze, he lifted the full cup. “To your mind, then." He drank. 

The smirk on Even's face relaxed just a little into something almost approximating a real smile. "Hm. I see. So this is the real you," he murmured. "You have changed in your own way, haven't you?" He picked up a breadstick from the basket in the centre of the table and bit off the end, crunching loudly, his expression thoughtful. "So, you wanted to speak to me?" he said. "You've invited me here for something. What have you got up your sleeve this time? I've got to warn you, I'm out of the replica business for good." 

This situation was uncanny. Sure, the two of them were fully human and sitting in a restaurant this time, but Isa felt a cold, uncomfortable chill creep up his back. A lump rose in his throat and could feel his heart beating faster in his chest. He looked away from Even and into the busy restaurant, composing himself. "Nothing like last time," he replied. "I just want to talk."

"About?" 

A waiter rushed by, dropping a napkin onto the floor. Isa fixed his eyes on it, trying to push the words out. "I have some concerns about my heart."

"Concerns?" Even leaned forwards, resting his elbows on the table and steepling his fingers. "Tell me more."

Isa opened his mouth, but only a sigh came out. He took another large swig of wine. How could he put it into words?

It was almost funny: When he was Saïx, Isa had been convinced that his whole system of reactions and emotions had been driven by the memories he had formed before becoming a nobody. However, even now that his emotions were meant to be fully his own again, his memories affected them strongly - and memories of Saïx had the tendency to shove themselves into the forefront whenever he least wanted them. The feeling of eyes behind his own was especially pervasive and chilling. Sometimes, when he was alone, he'd catch himself wondering if he would ever truly be free from Xehanort's influence.

"My heart… might be defective," he began. "I relied on my memories for so long, and now, even with a heart… my memories rule me. I have seen you and the men at the lab, you have all returned back to your work as though you had never been away. You have your research, and it sustains you. Lea and I were so young when we became Nobodies, but he seems well. And yet, whenever I'm alone, I can't get away from..." His voice trailed off for a moment, before continuing, "Being one of the Chosen. Being Saïx. Wondering how much of me is still Saïx. And more in that vein." He drank again, more deeply this time, flicking his eyes to Even's as he drank. 

Even's face grew serious. "Please put that down," he said. Isa glared at him, and put the glass down so slowly and gently that it didn't make a clink against the table. Even was secretly relieved; he could see now that Saïx's trademark deadpan passive-aggression had likely come from a large set of coping strategies Isa must have developed to deal with his anger. He would have to tread carefully. Even ventured, "So you feel like you're stuck in the past, like everyone else has been able to move on except you?" 

Isa scowled at the word 'feel'. "Partially. It's more than that."

The scientist rubbed his chin. "You said you're worried about your heart itself…" he mused. "Are you worried it may be incomplete or somehow damaged?" 

"That sort of thing," mumbled Isa, crossing his arms and tapping his fingers against his side. "Yes." He tossed his head, sending a few locks of blue hair that had slid over his face back over his shoulder.

Embarrassment, Even noticed. Real, too. Perhaps it was just the wine in his system, but Isa was terrible at hiding his feelings. Even leaned back in his seat, watching Isa's body language. Isa seemed like the kind of person who came off as strait-laced and cold, but right now, there was something childish and skittish in the way he was moving. The wine was probably amplifying this, but he seemed almost hunted. Perhaps he was close to some sort of outburst. As the nobody Saïx, the man had been prone to very sudden bursts of emotional behaviour, like a frozen lake that could crack and send you deep into a watery grave at a moment's notice. Yet, Even could see that Isa was similar, yet subtly different. He was more like a lake in the summer, outwardly calm but hiding strong, changeable currents which surfaced as ripples, eddies, and small waves. And Isa had come to Even directly for help… Strange, but Even couldn't pass up this opportunity for research. This would be interesting. 

"Alright. I think I can help you," said Even. "First, we'll use Ansem the Wise's machines to scan your heart to see if anything is directly wrong. If there is an anomaly in your heart, perhaps we can find a way to repair it. How does that sound?"

Isa nodded. He seemed a little calmer hearing Even's plan. "It sounds like an appropriate course of action. And if my heart is sound?" 

Even shrugged. "We can cross that bridge when we come to it." He already had some ideas, but he needed to read several manuals and run some tests before he was ready to share them. "Well, then. Come to the Manor tomorrow night after midnight, and we'll scan you." 

Isa frowned. "That's very late. I have three children to feed in the morning, you know."

Three? Roxas, Xion, and… It took Even a moment to realise that Isa had meant Lea, his flame-haired partner and another ex-nobody. Truthfully, Even wasn't entirely sure what those two's relationship was, but he wasn't interested in prying. He sniffed derisively. "That's when the lab is free. The others won't be around," he said. Even knew Isa didn't feel comfortable around the other men from the lab: unlike himself, their nobodies hadn't ended on good terms with Isa's. "Take it or leave it. Your choice, but it's all I can offer right now." 

Isa sat in silence for a few seconds as the clock outside marked the hour with six tolls of its great bell. "I'll be there," he finally replied, pulling a gummiphone from his pocket and typing a note on it. "But you have to leave now."

"What? But I haven't eaten yet!" protested Even. 

"That is your fault for being late," Isa retorted. "Come now, I'm expecting someone else."

"You're not making me want to help you," grumbled Even. "I was looking forward to trying the food."

In the past, Saïx wouldn't have cared. He would have brushed off Even's words and sent him packing. But as he sat watching Even stand up, Isa relented. He glanced around the restaurant and spotted an empty table on the other side before flagging down a passing waiter. "Would you sit this man over there, please?" he asked. "Put his meal on my bill."

The waiter nodded and motioned to Even to follow him. Even looked confused. “I thought you wanted me to leave?”

"I’m thanking you for your help," Isa said. "Have a good dinner."

“Can you afford - How much did you drink before I arrived?” sputtered Even. 

Isa’s face flushed. He struggled to compose himself. "Have a good dinner,” he repeated from between gritted teeth. 

If Even's eyebrows had risen any higher, they would have entered orbit. He followed the waiter away, his face painted in disbelief. 

Isa barely had the time to pick up his wine glass again and drain it before a familiar face framed with familiar spikey red hair walked into the restaurant. Lea looked around for a few seconds before spotting Isa, who raised a hand in greeting. "Isa!" He could hear Lea's voice and see his grin from across the restaurant. Lea dodged past waiters and ducked around tables must faster than Even had, his chest rising and falling quickly as he threw himself into the chair opposite. "Sorry I'm late," he panted. He reached over the small table for Isa's hand. "How was your day?" 

Lea's fingers around his were warm. Isa felt the turmoil inside him subside. "By your standards, you're early," he replied. "My day was fairly productive." He glanced across the restaurant towards where Even was interrogating a poor waiter about the menu and almost snorted with laughter. He felt lighter, and the warmth of the alcohol he had drunk was beginning to feel very good indeed. "How was yours?" 

Lea pulled a face. "Not great." He released Isa's hand to pick up the wine bottle. Pouring himself a very full glass, he launched into a long, rambling story about his boss at the construction company and an order of bricks that went missing. "...Can't believe I had to use my keyblade to threaten some two-bit thugs over some bricks," he complained. "And my boss was really pissed off with me too. He chewed me out for over half an hour, the bastard. That hard-ass almost makes me miss working for you." 

Isa's eyes widened. Suddenly, he felt like he was looking at Lea through the wrong end of a telescope. Lea was laughing. "Working for you… Miss working for you," The words rang around Isa's head. He could feel it again, more clearly this time: an old, dull, not-quite-ache sitting in his throat and deep in the pit of his stomach. As if in slow motion, he felt his anger begin to rise to hide those echoes of a Nobody's jealousy. He grabbed a glass in front of him and drained it, willing himself under control. 

The world snapped back into full focus and speed. "Hey!" laughed Lea. "That was my wine!" 

Isa set the glass down. "We can afford another bottle," he said. "I think. And no, I am not drunk."

Lea's smile fell. "Huh? I didn't ask if you were... Isa, is something wrong?" 

That feeling in the pit of Isa's stomach was back, but this time, he wasn't sure if it was memories or - 

"Nothing is wrong," said Isa, willing his voice as steady and blank as possible. He got to his feet slowly. "I will be back in a minute." Lea began to stand up too, but Isa glared him back into his seat. "Do not follow me. I will be back." He turned and strode around two tables, slamming into the bathroom door hard enough to leave it swinging.

Lea stared after him, extremely concerned. He gestured to the nearest waiter to come over. "Hey," he said, his voice quiet. "How much did the guy at this table drink before I got here?" 

The waiter glanced at the table and answered even more quietly. "Two bottles, sir."

"On his own!?" 

"His previous companion was late and didn't drink."

This was a surprise. Isa wasn’t exactly a popular person. Lea frowned. "Companion? Who was with him?" he asked. 

The waiter looked up into the restaurant. "I couldn't say, sir," he replied, his voice a study of hospitality. 

Lea followed the direction of the man's gaze. "I see. Thanks," he said. "Don't clear the table, I'll be back." He pulled five munny from his pocket and dropped it into the waiter's hand before taking off. He weaved past several dates and a birthday party before reaching his goal. "Is this seat taken?" he asked, sitting down. 

Even looked up from the bread basket he had been crunching his way through, half a breadstick in his hand. He did not look pleased to see Lea. "It is now," he said. 

Lea reached across the table, pulling a thick cracker from the basket and taking a large bite. He and Even chewed in silence, eyes locked onto each other warily. Lea broke the silence. "Have we actually talked since -" 

"No," said Even. "Make this quick, my dinner is coming soon."

Lea sighed. "No time to swap pleasantries with an old friend, huh?" He smiled at Even. "Not that we ever were friends. Alright then. Here's the real question: What did Isa want with you?" He shoved the rest of the cracker into his mouth. 

Even grinned an unpleasant grin that did not reach his eyes. "You know, Axel, there's this little thing called confidentiality…"

Lea's eyes narrowed. He slammed both hands on the top of the table and leaned across it as far across it as he could. "Yeah, and there's this other little thing called 'you're not a doctor,' so don’t give me that bullshit," he hissed. "I don't know what Isa wanted from you, but he's full-on drunk for the first time in his goddamn life. Something's been wrong with him for a while now and I'm going to find out what, even if I have to punch it out of someone."

In the past, Vexen would have been quick to spill in the face of Axel's threats, but Even wasn't as cowardly as his Nobody had been. "Good for you. Why don't you ask Isa yourself?" he replied. He turned back to his bread basket. "Some people," he murmured to his breadstick. "Think they can get everything they want with violence. Shame the real world isn't as forthcoming as they think it is, hmm." He looked up at Lea again. "I will say this: Your friend is struggling to adjust to his humanity. And he was already drunk when I arrived, so don't blame me for that. He looked like he had been here for hours. That's all I'm saying for now, so please let me enjoy my dinner in peace."

Lea silently took his leave. He turned towards his and Isa's table before changing his mind and heading towards the bathroom. Usually, Lea gave Isa as much space as he needed. Isa was an introvert, who would often close himself off in his office or go on long walks into the woods all alone. This time, though, he might need actual help. 

Lea pushed the door to the bathroom open. The bathroom itself was well-decorated in a similar style to the main restaurant, but was more of a hallway. Rather than a row of sinks with simple stalls, there seemed to be two cubicle-like rooms, one empty and open, and one closed. He knocked at the closed door, saying, "Isa? You in there?”

“No,” replied Isa’s voice.

Lea chuckled. “Okay, Not-Isa. Open the door?”

There was a moment of silence, then Lea heard the door’s lock click. He opened it and found himself looking down at Isa. The blue-haired man was sitting on the floor, his long legs bent and braced against the opposite wall. He had an arm on the toilet, propping himself upright. “I told you to wait at the table,” he said. Normally, those words would have been spoken with power and authority, but in that moment, he seemed to be speaking more out of habit than anything else. 

Lea squatted down next to him. “Since when have I been good at following orders?” he joked.

Isa fixed him with a sullen look. “You used to pride yourself on it,” he said.

Lea shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so. Well, I waited for a while and you weren’t coming. Figured I should hunt you down and drag you back,” he said. “Though it looks like I’m going to have to carry you home instead.”

Isa grappled within himself. He wanted to argue back, pull himself to his feet, walk out like nothing was wrong. Still, the truth was that right now, he could barely hold himself up. “You can’t carry me out,” he said. “It would look… bad.”

“Fine, what if you lean on me until we’re away from the crowds?” Lea said. “That’s less embarrassing, right?”

He thought Isa would argue, and was surprised when the blue-haired man nodded in agreement and murmured, “I should not have drunk so much.”

Was Isa in a talkative mood? He rarely made statements like that. Lea had been about to stand and help him up, but instead, he slid to the floor beside Isa, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Isa’s head lolled to the side, resting against Lea’s. “I want to ask you about that,” said Lea, his voice private. “Why did you do it, Isa?”

Isa’s whole body heaved with a sigh. “I thought I would be able to speak about things without... censoring myself,” he said. He paused. “I have been struggling within myself.”

Lea held him a little tighter. “You brought Roxas and Xion back,” he said. “You’ve atoned.”

“This isn’t about what I’ve done. It’s about who I am.”

Lea closed his eyes. His hand found its way into Isa’s hair. “What do you mean?” he said. “You’re Isa. Simple as that.”

Isa ached inside. Of course, Lea wouldn’t understand. “How can you be sure?” he asked. 

Lea didn’t answer instantly. When he spoke, his voice was serious. “Because you’re doing exactly the kind of thing you’ve always done. Keeping things in and faking being okay until you start to crack and whatever you’ve kept in explodes. That’s classic Isa, and it didn’t change when you were Saïx either. But you know what else?” He turned his face and kissed Isa on the forehead. “You’ll end up okay in the end. I’m serious, it happens every time. Remember when we were kids and you beat the shit out of that bully Ace? He gave you a black eye, but he never beat on anyone again. You’re going to be fine. And I’m not having this conversation on a bathroom floor with a drunk bonehead any more. We can talk about this tomorrow, let’s get you home.”

Several minutes and a few loud crashing noises later, Lea and Isa emerged from the bathroom. Lea was practically carrying Isa, who was concentrating on trying to keep his head upright. People whispered as they walked towards the door. Lea felt Isa grow tense. He pressed on, not letting his steps falter. 

As they approached the door, the waiter from earlier drew up alongside. “Pardon, Sir, but your friend hasn’t paid for his drinks,” he said, holding out a bill on a little silver plate. Lea saw the total on it and swore under his breath. “Damn you and your expensive taste, Isa!” He tried to take the bill from the waiter, but someone else snatched it from his grip. “Hey!” said Lea, turning to look at who had snatched the bill. “Give that -”

He found himself staring at Even, who had stood up from the table beside them. “Tell Isa he owes me,” said Even, dropping a stack of munny on the plate. “Tell him to pay me back when he comes to the lab.” 

Lea felt at a loss for words. “Sure. Uh, thanks,” he said. He smiled at the waiter and continued his path out of the restaurant. 

Behind him, Even sat down again and resumed typing into his gummi phone. He had so many ideas he was excited to explore.


	2. Recompletion Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Isa helps Xion, Roxas, and Lea prepare a small party to celebrate the one year anniversary of their recompletions, he receives a text from Even with the results of the tests they had run on Isa's heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SLOWBURN Day 2: Repentance // Forgiveness

"Come on, come on, come on, come on… YES!" Roxas leapt to his feet, punching the air. "GAME! I win again!" he crowed. 

Lea dropped his controller and slid down into the couch. "Maaan, why didn't I go Lucina?" he complained. "I can't believe they nerfed Cloud." 

"So why do you keep playing him?" laughed Roxas, falling backwards onto the couch. "He's high C-tier. Learn to play someone else."

"Woah there!" Lea grabbed Roxas, putting him in a loose headlock and ruffling his hair. "He's fucking Cloud, kiddo. Put some respect on his name," he scolded. 

"But you just said they nerfed him," said Roxas, squirming out of his grip to reach for the popcorn bowl. "Next time, I'll go Cloud and you go Lucina. Maybe then you'll stand a chance. Bet I'll still beat you though."

"You tell yourself that, kid," said Lea, reaching for the popcorn. "But you're going down."

At that moment, the front door slammed. Lea leaned back over the couch, his face almost glowing. "Earth to Roxas!" he said. "The pizza's here!" 

Roxas looked over the back of the couch towards the front door to where Xion and Isa stood, taking off their shoes. Somehow, Isa was managing well despite the massive pile of pizza boxes in his hands. Xion bounded into the room, sliding over the arm of the sofa to squeeze herself next to Roxas. "You started playing without us? You said you'd wait!" she said. 

"You were gone for more than an hour," said Roxas. "We got bored after we finished the snacks and took the cake out of the oven." He picked up some popcorn, popped it into her mouth, and then kissed her cheek. 

Lea agreed. "Think of it like we warmed the game up for you, Xion." He passed her the controller and stood up. "Here, take it for a spin. Cloud's the best, by the way."

Xion looked up at him, smiling as she chewed the popcorn. "Sorry, I looked up the tier lists earlier. I'm playing Zero Suit Samus," she said. 

Lea stood up, shaking his head. "You kids have no respect for the aesthetic," he grumbled. He walked around the sofa to the small table where Isa had just placed the pizza boxes. "Hello, you," he said fondly, leaning in towards him. 

Like always, Isa's eyes darted to the couch where Xion and Roxas were sitting. Even now, he wasn't used to showing Lea physical affection in front of them. However, the touch of Lea's lips to his own distracted him. He kissed him back quickly, almost chastely, before drawing away. "Hello," he responded before turning to inspect the bowls of snacks Lea and Roxas had laid out while he was away. "I take it the others aren't here yet?" 

Lea shook his head. "They're not due for another half hour." He plunged his hands into his pockets, rocking back on his heels. Roxas cheered, and Lea turned to glance at the TV screen before turning back. "So," he said. "What took so long?"

Isa shrugged. "The pizza shop was busy," he replied. He cracked the lid of the top pizza box before letting it drop, satisfied with the contents. 

"Hmm." Lea cocked his head and spoke reproachfully, "You know I can tell when you're lying, right?" 

Isa rolled his eyes, but he didn't seem as annoyed as usual. The corners of his mouth twitched as if he were to smile. "Fine. We also stopped for ice cream, and we forgot to bring you any."

Lea's mouth fell open. "Isaaaa," he whined. "You traitor! That's not fair at all!"

Isa shook his head, smiling. "Life isn't fair, Lea. I'll make it up to you and Roxas next time. For now, what would you all like to drink?"

"Cherry Soda!" chorused the two youngsters on the couch, their eyes fixed on the TV screen in front of them. 

"What do we say?" said Lea. 

"Please!" 

Lea turned to Isa, satisfied. "Three Cherry Sodas then," he said. "Got it memorised?" Isa nodded and set off into the hallway. 

The kitchen was a room at the back of the house, about as large as the living room. There were ample surfaces to prepare food on and a new stove they had only bought a few months before. A large window over the sink overlooked a small stone patio enclosed by a fence; four small pots of herbs labelled in Xion's careful handwriting sat on the windowsill. On the fridge, a task list and several simple recipes that Xion and Roxas could cook on their own were pinned up with magnets they had been sent by friends or bought during weekend visits to other worlds. The whole room smelled deliciously of chocolate thanks to the large cake cooling on a countertop nearby. 

Isa paused next to it, closing his eyes and letting the scent waft over him. The smell was nostalgic to him; it smelled of childhood happiness, of sunshine, of springtime birthdays in Radiant Garden. He found himself smiling gently, even though he was alone in the kitchen. Funny how something like a smell could trigger these emotions, even though Isa couldn't remember on what date his birthday fell. Even after a year of having his heart back, the happiness it could bring still surprised him. Moments like this were rare and precious.

Then, his pocket vibrated, dragging him from his reverie. The fleeting happiness passed and Isa pulled away from the cake. He sat down in one of the three seats around the small breakfast table and turned his attention to his gummiphone. He pressed the screen on and read the name of the text message's sender: Even. He opened the message and read it. 

_Isa - All test results negative. Your heart is stable and functioning appropriately. Call to discuss any questions or further action._

Isa gritted his teeth and hammered out a reply. _What further action is possible? I want to see the data._ He sent the message and sat back to wait for a reply, scrolling through some tag on the Kingstagram app Xion had installed on his phone. 

He wasn't focusing on the pictures on his phone, of course. Isa was thinking back to a few days before when, despite a hangover that did not want to clear, he had dragged himself to Even's lab a few minutes before midnight. 

Isa hadn't known what to expect as he pushed open the gate to the old Manor on the edge of Twilight Town. The last time he had been there was on the day he was reborn, the day he was recompleted. He had sworn to himself that day that it was all behind him, that he could leave in peace and never look back. How naive he had been. That peace had only lasted him a few months. 

He stood outside the Manor door, staring at it for a few seconds before turning his back to it. Saix would have knocked without a second thought, but Isa felt like his hands were made of lead, too heavy to lift and slam against the wood. He looked up at the waning moon, waiting for the bell in the heart of the town to mark the hour. Its sound was faint, but unmistakable. Isa counted the peals. One… Two… Three… He would have to knock after twelve… Six… Seven… His number… No… Ten… Eleven… And Twelve. He was out of time. 

He turned to the door, ready to knock, but it opened before his knuckles touched the wood. "Come in," Even said. 

Isa stepped over the threshold and followed him in. Being back in the building where his humanity had been taken and reformed twice was disconcerting; his skin crawled and the hair at the back of his neck stood up. He felt like his body was moving of its own accord, as if he were hovering above it watching it walk into danger. As Even walked down the stairs into the lower lab, Isa stumbled on the steps and came to a standstill. He steadied himself, looking down at his feet, which didn't want to move any more. 

"Are you coming down?" Even shouted from the bottom of the stairs. 

Isa's eyes closed. He pushed in his mind, pushed through the headache, through the rigidity. There was nothing here to be scared of any more. Even would help him. It only took a second, but a familiar numbness enveloped him. 

Isa hated it. Whenever he felt numb, he would turn on music, or walk aimlessly outside until something triggered his feelings to return. Drinking worked too, though he knew it was a dangerous habit. It was strange; his sudden bursts of emotion were alarming and uncomfortable, but he would take them over the numbness any day. The numbness was familiar, but it was _wrong_. It was less alarming to other people, but it was Saix's trait, not his. "The clock is ticking, Isa," Even called. Isa's body began to move. The numbness retreated slightly, leaving him uncomfortable again. 

Down in the lab, Even hooked him up to a bank of computers, chatting about how he had whipped up a new interfacing method overnight since a key component of the old pod system was unusable. "Ansem the Wise built these many years ago," he explained. "They were fantastic tools then, but while we were working at Castle Oblivion, it seems like someone made some changes. As I worked on my research, Ansem must have improved upon his own. And once I and my compatriots were gone, he had the run of the place, and modified these to function in tandem with little Naminé's powers. I am still unsure of the full extent of these functions as I regrettably only had a short time to collect data from the girl. I think I only wrote one report before my demise."

The resentment in Even's voice even as he spoke so plainly about his Nobody's death made Isa shift in his seat. Hearing the scientist talking about experimenting on Naminé, who had become close with Roxas and Xion over the last year, Isa could feel his anger rising, but he knew he shouldn't engage on that point with Even. As Saix, he had encouraged the scientist's experiments, even though they made use of a child. Isa should sit quietly and push this reaction down. This wasn't his business any more, and he thought it had all been put to rest back when Even had agreed to rejoin the Organization to help him. But the memories pushed through and, for a moment, it was like he was Saix, sitting in his cold, white room, reading Axel's report. Reading about Vexen's firey death. Thinking Axel had gone too far. Knowing that this loss would be felt later. Picking up Vexen's final report on Naminé to read next. He had to say something, he could not keep quiet. "You know you were not the intended target there," he said. His voice was flat. He stared cooly at Even, his hands gripping the arm rests of his chair so hard that he could have ripped them off. 

Even turned away from the computer to face him, a slight scowl on his face. "Of course I wasn't," he said. "but I was disposable. No one ever values a scientist until you need something from us. I was always a tiny cog in a larger plan." 

"That was the call Axel made," said Isa. "But Vexen's termination was inconvenient."

" _My_ _death_ ," said Even, his voice hot. "Was very inconvenient for me, yes." He looked Isa over, tsked, and stormed over to a small refrigerator that Isa had assumed contained samples or chemicals. Instead, he pulled out a bottle of water and shoved it into Isa's chest, dislodging a few electrodes. "I am getting upset. Drink this while I calm down," he hissed. "Simple movement and the feeling of swallowing will help you more than alcohol would. And before you ask, even if I had any, I wouldn't give it to you. You were a mess yesterday." He stormed back to the computers, pausing to say, "By the way, you owe me 250 munny. I covered your bill since your pathetic boyfriend couldn't." 

Isa was so far gone that he didn't fully register that Even had just insulted Lea. His hands lifted from the arm rests, leaving deep finger marks in the foam. He twisted the water bottle open and put it to his lips. The cold of the water hit him, and he quickly drained the bottle in large gulps without pausing to breathe. As he lowered the empty bottle and took a deep breath, Isa found himself deep in an ocean of embarrassment. What had possessed him to act like that? For a second, the memory of an emptiness half-filled, of eyes behind his own, wafted through him like a ghost. Then, he realised what Even had said about Lea. A cold anger filled his body. 

Even returned and began to reapply the loose electrodes to Isa's chest. Isa caught his wrist, squeezing hard enough that Even winced and struggled. "Before we start, you need to know," he growled. "Lea is not pathetic. He is hardworking, selfless, and headstrong. You can resent him for Axel's actions if you choose to, but insult him that way again in front of me, and I cannot guarantee I won't lose control. You remember my power."

He released Even, who stumbled backwards, grimacing. He grabbed a sheaf of papers from a nearby desk and rolled them up. "No violence in the lab," he scolded, smacking Isa across the head with the papers. "I will keep Axel's name out of my mouth, but if you grab me like that again for ANY reason, I will scream for Dilan and Aeleus to throw you out. Moon's Pale Light or not, you will be out on your ass, just like when you were an intruding whippersnapper. Clear?"

"Crystal," said Isa. After a few moments, he murmured, "Something is very wrong with me."

Even nodded in agreement. "I'll do my best to find out what," he said curtly. "Though it'll take a few days for me to fully process everything. Now, enough talking. Let's scan your heart."

Back in the kitchen, Isa's recollections were interrupted by Xion walking in. She smiled, not noticing the way he dropped his phone onto his lap and flicked his hair over his shoulder. Isa knew from the conversation they had had over ice cream earlier that Xion was very excited for this party. She walked over to the cake and pricked it with a fork. "It's still a little warm inside. Do you think I can decorate it yet?" she asked. 

Isa relaxed. He stood up, slipping the phone into his pocket, and held his hand lightly over the cake. He couldn't feel any heat. "It's ready," he said. "Do you remember how to do this?" 

She rattled off the instructions he had given her last time perfectly. "Cover the cake in buttercream icing using a spatula and round motions. Don't fill the piping bag more than ⅔ of the way or you'll end up with icing on your face." She giggled. "Again."

Isa smiled, pleased at her recollection. He opened the refrigerator and passed her the bowl of buttercream he had prepared that morning. "And what do you plan to write on it?" he asked. 

She took the bowl with a bright, sunny smile. "'Happy Recompletion Day: Roxas, Xion, Naminé, and Isa' of course!" 

Isa's hands dropped to his sides. Nothing had changed about the kitchen. The warm sun still streamed through the window over the sink. From the front room, Lea and Roxas's voices could just be heard over the sounds of their game. Xion had started to hum as she applied the buttercream to the cake. Yet, Isa felt cold, detached. Time slowed down. The world around him felt fragile, like it was made of glass, like if he reached out and touched anything, it would shatter into tiny fragments he could never put back together. He wondered why his chest felt tight and then realised he was holding his breath. He felt the walls crowd in around him, felt his pulse race. Why now? He closed his eyes. Then, in a sudden burst of motion, he wrenched the refrigerator open, grabbed a large bottle of cherry soda, and swallowed several mouthfuls in quick succession. 

Xion jumped when he moved so suddenly. She watched him drink the soda like he was dying of thirst, her smile fading. "Are you okay?" she asked. 

The sharp, bubbly taste and the feeling of the bottle in his hand grounded Isa back in reality once more. Even's advice had been solid. He lowered the bottle from his lips. "Just thirsty," he replied. He screwed the lid back on and slid it into the fridge, almost dropping it for a moment. 

She had turned completely towards him now. "Your hands are shaking!"

Isa jammed his traitorous hands in his pocket. "I am fine," he said. He began to leave the room, but paused and turned again. "Xion, it would be preferable if the cake only had yours and Roxas's names."

"Why?" 

Isa ran a hand through his hair. The truth was too difficult to explain. He wasn't sure why he felt so strongly about it. "Lea and I will celebrate next weekend at the barbecue on Destiny Island with everyone else. Today's party is for you and your friends, not us."

Xion's body tensed. She turned towards the cake, standing very straight as she slowly spread buttercream over the top. "Nobody will mind if your name is on the cake," she said. She spoke slowly, choosing her words carefully. "But I will mind if it's not there. It's important to me. Please let me put your name on the cake." 

Another surge of emotion washed over Isa. This time, though, the numbness didn't follow. It was a set of feelings he had only come to notice recently. Gratitude, pride as he recognised his own body language in her movements, anger at her disobedience and at himself for upsetting her, affection… Xion had become important to him over his final months as Saix, when he had trained her to put him down using his own techniques should his berserk rage prove too much for Lea to handle. After that, she bad been the first person other than Lea that Isa had become truly close to. 

Isa still did not know whether he, Lea, Roxas, and the whole world saw the same face when they looked at her. All he knew was, where he had once seen a blank, he now saw a face that made his heart burn with both regret and protectiveness. Though he did not know how her face had looked when Saix had treated her harshly, Isa had resolved that he would never find out for himself. He could swallow his discomfort this once. "If it's that important to you," he said. "I'll allow it."

Xion's body relaxed. She dropped the spatula in the bowl of buttercream and turned away, sniffling and wiping at her eyes. 

Was Xion crying again? Isa took several steps forward and around the girl, stopping in front of her. He pulled a packet of tissues from one of his coat pockets and passed it to her. As she dried her eyes, he did something he didn't do often. He lifted her face and then, very gently, traced two small triangles under her eyes with the tip of his finger. Then, he put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed quickly. A non-accidental touch was rare for Isa, and Xion would know what the gesture meant.

Xion, usually the most mindful of Isa's physical boundaries, responded by throwing her arms around him. "Thank you," she whispered into the front of his coat. Isa didn't know how to react. He felt eyes on him; looking up, he saw Lea in the doorway, watching with a wide smile on his face. Isa felt his cheeks and ears heat up. He patted Xion's back stiffly. Xion pulled away, laughing shakily at his awkward reaction. She looked towards the door. "Oh! Hi!" 

Lea strolled in, wrapping his arms around the two of them as easily as blinking. "I came to see if Isa had forgotten those sodas," he said. "And I find you two having some sort of moment? Invite the rest of us next time, would'ja?" His words were light and jovial, but there was a tenderness to his smile that Isa recognized. Though he made light of it, Lea must have known what a special moment he was witnessing. 

Before Isa or Xion could answer, the doorbell rang. The game noises from the front room paused as Roxas ran to answer the door. "I should finish the cake," said Xion. 

Lea released her and pulled the bottle of Cherry Soda out of the fridge. "Us, Hayner, Pence, Olette, Naminé… Isa, you wanna pass me eight cups?" he said. He held the bottle up, squinting at it. "Woah, who drank all of this?" 

In matching movements, Xion and Isa turned to the cake and the cupboard where the glasses were stored. Neither of them replied. 


	3. Memory's Echoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their first tests fail, Isa and Even come up with a new theory. Meanwhile, Lea waits for Isa to come home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SLOWBURN Day 3: “There’s no fixing us.”

Down in the Old Mansion's computer room below the library, Even passed Isa a cup of coffee. Isa glanced into the cup and then wished he hadn't; he could see the ring someone else's drink had left near the top of the cup. He put the cup down, grimacing.

"Is it not to your taste?" asked Even, as he turned a chair away from a huge bank of computers to sit facing Isa.

"It's too hot," Isa replied.

Even took a sip from his own cup. "Well, make sure you drink it if you need it, even if it burns. Wouldn't want you to go all Moon Shine Down in here." Isa frowned, and Even sighed. "It was a joke," he said. He cleared his throat. "Anyway, let's get to the data."

Isa dragged his chair next to Even's as the scientist turned back to the computers. For the next half hour, he guided Isa through several datasets. “As a control, I borrowed a young lady's data from Ansem the Wise's collection,” Even explained. “I also found the data for Riku and Sora’s hearts, though Sora’s was useless due to his highly unusual circumstances. Finally, I scanned myself and Ienzo, to provide some examples of hearts who had been through similar processes to yours. If you look here, these are those; despite you and I having died and recompleted twice, there is little structural difference between ours and Ienzo’s. However, yours bears more similarity to Ienzo’s than mine, both are made of less data overall. Perhaps this is because you are both considerably younger than I am and spent many formative years without a heart. Crucially, the three of us have elevated levels of darkness compared to our control girl, however Ansem the Wise’s data taken from Riku indicates that this may be a result of calling on the Realm of Darkness. It is not a problem at our current levels. And neither Ienzo nor I are experiencing the same emotional upheaval you are, despite how similar our hearts are.”

Isa’s head had begun to spin. He picked up his coffee cup and took a gulp. He sat with his eyes closed, composing himself. After a few seconds, he asked, "You are sure we wouldn't have achieved different results with the newer machines in Radiant Garden?"

Even frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. “I thought you didn’t want Ansem the Wise to be involved, or to go to Radiant Garden.”

Isa took another gulp of coffee. “That is true. I suppose it would have been hard to get there quickly, anyway.”

Even shrugged. “As long as you still have your black coat, you will be able to use a Dark Corridor occasionally without fearing for your heart. That is, if you can still conjure one up. Do you still have your coat?”

“I don’t,” Isa lied.

“That’s a shame,” said Even. “I kept mine. Fantastic tools, those coats. Though I suppose you need to have a strong negative drive to power a dark corridor. Personally, I can only summon them in the service of my research,” he said. “Obsession, it seems, is dark enough.” The pride in his voice made Isa’s stomach churn with disgust. Still, Even’s grin fell into a more thoughtful expression. “I must say, it is a challenge to stop relying on such a useful tool, even if you know that the exposure to Darkness over time can degrade your heart,” he mused. “It’s a shame that there is no light equivalent, gummi ships are very inconvenient. A coat and a corridor is much easier. It was very convenient to zip from the lab to the bathroom and back in seconds, back when we were Nobodies.”

Hearing Even reminisce positively about those days made Isa shake with anger. He wondered why Even was talking about his own adjustment to life as a Somebody as if it had been hard for him. Ienzo, Aeleus, and Dilan had welcomed him back with open arms. Even had been reborn with a place to be and a purpose to fulfill. All Isa had had was Lea. That had been enough at first, when they had a shared goal. He remembered living at Merlin’s for months, working odd jobs while Roxas and Xion adjusted to school. There had been a strange equilibrium during that time; they were both too busy trying to earn munny for a house to think about the past, and none of the four of them owned anything worth caring about. Lea, Roxas, and Xion would often go deal with outbreaks of pureblood heartless on the weekends for extra munny, during which time Isa would help Merlin with things as payment for letting them stay. At night, Isa and Lea would lie back to back together in a bed meant for one person, whispering about when they’d be able to leave the kindly wizard’s house and what their own place would be like. That equilibrium had broken as soon as they moved.

He remembered moving in and finding himself in a place that was “his” for the first time. He couldn’t process that concept at first. He was on edge constantly, as if he was expecting someone to march through the door and rip it all away from him. Shortly after, Lea was hired by Scrooge McDuck’s construction company, and suddenly, Isa was alone all day. At first, he still searched for odd jobs, but after a few weeks, he had given up; since he no longer had a goal, it didn’t seem worth trying any more. It was then, alone in an empty house with all that time on his hands, that Isa began to remember the worst of being Saix: being without friends, the berserker power lingering below the surface, seeing Axel drift away from him towards Roxas and Xion, the eyes behind his own burning out of his skull… And he remembered the best: feeling important; having a goal, or several goals at once; working hard; plotting with Axel; never having to think about wrong or right and not being able to feel guilty. Saix may have been a monster, but when Isa compared himself to his Nobody, he didn’t like what he saw. He thought recompletion would make him a better person, and perhaps it had, but he wondered if had it also made him weak.

Isa constantly wrestled with this. And yet, here was Even, chatting happily about how he missed using dark corridors for bathroom breaks. Isa felt like smashing every computer in the place. He heard Even’s voice as though it came from far away. “Isa? Are you listening?”

Isa’s hands begin to shake. He murmured, “No.” Then, before he could stop himself, he moved instinctually, slamming down his coffee cup onto the table. The cup shattered, leaving him holding the handle. Coffee flew over both the desk and Even’s lab coat.

“Hey!” squawked Even, snatching a stack of papers out of the way of the coffee. “What are you doing!?” He looked down at his lap and groaned. “My coat… Aeleus just bleached it. And my mug! It was a pr-”

“I don’t care about your coat, and I don’t care about your mug.” Isa leaned forward in his seat, his voice was quiet and dangerous. His words spilled out uncontrolled. “I did not come here to reminisce, Even. I know something is wrong with my heart, and I came to you for answers. You have not given me any. You are wasting my time.”

Even scowled. He stood up, towering over the blue-haired man. A rivulet of coffee raced from his lap towards the floor. "Well, Isa,” he began, his voice spiteful. “I regret to inform you that science does not exist to confirm your feelings. While there is evidence that your heart has ended up differently than it would have grown naturally, the fact is, there is nothing actually wrong with it. Everything about it appears consistent with your life’s experiences. Your heart is not broken, rotten, or missing pieces, and perhaps most crucially, Xehanort isn't anywhere in or around it. So get a hold of yourself." He paused for a moment to shake his head. “It almost sounds like you wanted something to be wrong with your heart,” he scoffed. “You should be happy.”

Anger raged inside Isa. The moon called to him. His hand twitched, aching to hold a Claymore. Isa held that desire in check. “Alright,” he said, between gritted teeth. “So, If my heart is healthy, then what in all the worlds and the darkness between is happening to me?”

"Oh, you haven't guessed? It seems quite obvious to me,” said Even. “From the way you spoke last time and the way you have acted this time, I suspect the problem isn’t related to your heart, but with your memories instead.”

The whirling vortex of anger inside Isa came to a halt. “My memories?” he echoed.

“Of course,” said Even.

“Oh,” said Isa. He slumped in his chair, staring at his knees. “Why didn’t I think of that?” he said.

“You were stuck on a theory,” Even replied. “It happens to the best of us. One of the most important parts of being a scientist is knowing how to let go when something doesn’t pan out. But if there is one thing I have noticed since my recompletion, it’s that somebodies are terrible at letting go.” He shifted the papers in his arms and looked away, relaxing. “I remember when Ienzo was little, he had the idea that Heartless would go away if you fed them heart-shaped things. He spent so long chasing shadows around with candies and little hearts made of paper, and he would scream and cry when Dilan or Aeleus carried him home. In the end, it took almost being eaten by a large Heartless before he realised that his theory was wrong.” Even shook his head, smiling at the memory. “You’ve been like Ienzo this whole time, Isa. Your theory wasn’t bad, it was just wrong. Now, it’s time to let go and explore different avenues. Will you allow me to continue trying to help you?”

Isa spoke haltingly, his voice tinged with regret. “Let me clean this mess up first.”

Even nodded. “There are cloths in the cupboard near the bathroom. I can talk while you clean. We can brainstorm a little afterwards, but let’s not come up with any big hypotheses until later. You look like you have had enough for tonight.”

It was over an hour later when Isa pulled his front door shut behind him. He stood in the dark, empty hallway for a moment, before sighing, kicking his shoes into the small pile next to the door, and slouching. Even if his thoughts were in turmoil, it was good to be home. He padded into the kitchen. As the night’s cold crept up his socks to his feet, he filled the kettle and flipped the switch on to make himself a cup of tea. Sliding into one of the three chairs at the table, he pulled out his gummi phone and began to scroll mindlessly.

His eyelids had just begun to feel heavy when he heard a friendly, “Hey!” from the door. He sat upright in his seat and waited. Surely enough, two strong, comforting arms draped themselves over his shoulders. A face nestled sleepily over the collar of his jacket into the side of his neck, kissing him. Isa smiled; he let his head rock to the opposite side, making more of his neck accessible. Then, he felt a sharp intake of breath. “Lea…” he said, a warning note in his voice. But it was too late. The lips that had been kissing him parted, and he felt teeth press against his neck. “Lea!” he said sharply, pushing his partner’s face away. “Not in the kitchen.”

Lea flumped into one of the other chairs, cradling his head on the table. His plaid shirt was open, hanging loosely from his shoulders, and he must have taken his shoes and trousers off at some point. He looked up at Isa, a sleepy grin stretched across his face. “Aww, come on. Xion and Roxas have been in bed for hours. Don’t I get a reward for waiting up?”

Isa reached out and brushed a long, red lock of hair off Lea’s face. “Hmm. I should reward you,” he mused. “But you just slept on the couch, didn’t you?”

Lea fluffed up the side of his hair that had been pressed down during his nap and chuckled. “Welp, you got me. How about a punishment, then?” He leaned languidly over the corner of the table towards Isa, his eyes heavy-lidded, his legs spread more widely than usual with one hand between them. “I’ll do anything you say.” His gaze roamed down Isa's body. He licked his lips.

Isa was drawn in. “Anything?” he asked. He leaned back in his seat, patting his lap invitingly.

Lea obliged, standing up and straddling him. He slowly pulled the zipper of Isa’s coat down as far as he could reach and then ran his hands up the front of his body. He dragged his short nails against Isa’s skin, and was rewarded by a quiet gasp and the sight of Isa wincing as pleasure mixed with a touch of pain. As Isa’s hands found Lea’s hips and pulled him closer, Lea leaned in and whispered, “Yeah, anything.”

Their lips pressed together. Usually their kisses were passionate and desperate, shared frantically as they struggled to undress each other, but this time, they were both too tired for that. They kissed slowly, almost luxuriously, with Lea leading the kiss as Isa’s hands roved up Lea’s back, feeling the smooth skin inside his shirt. The kitchen filled with the sound of their heavy breathing. They pulled apart for a moment to catch their breaths, looking at each other, both wrapped in a haze of warmth and desire.

Nearby, the kettle clicked off. Lea was too caught up to notice it, but it was like an alarm in Isa’s head. His hands snapped to Lea’s shoulders, squeezing them gently, holding him back. “Let me have my tea first,” he murmured. “We can carry on upstairs afterwards.”

Lea made a noise of displeasure, but he stood up, returning to his chair. From there, he watched Isa prepare two cups with herbal teabags, his eyes firmly fixed on his partner’s legs and ass. He bit his lower lip. “So, where did you go tonight?” he asked. “Did ya have a good walk?”

Lea had meant to make some light conversation to keep the mood up while they drank tea. He hadn’t expected Isa to freeze. It was only for a split-second, but Lea saw his whole body tense. When Isa turned around, holding two large mugs of tea, Lea knew he had asked a question Isa did not want to answer. Isa’s face was hard again, unreadable. He slid a cup across the table wordlessly, and Lea began to feel mildly annoyed. “Hey, Isa,” he said, taking the tea. “Are you going to answer that?”

Isa shot him a cold look before picking up his tea and taking a large sip. His face contorted with pain; he must have forgotten that the tea was still boiling hot.

Lea rushed to the sink for some cold water as Isa opened his mouth, panting from the burn. He tried to pass Isa the cold water only to be rebuffed with a curt, “Stop. It will pass.”

“It’s cold. You’ll feel better,” he argued.

Isa glared at him, but took the cup and drank.

Lea was completely certain now: Something was very wrong, and Isa was hiding it from him. He leaned against the table, half-sitting on it, and inspected Isa’s face. “What are you hiding, Isa? Where did you go tonight?”

Isa was frowning. He was displeased, and yet still hard to read. “It’s not your concern where I went.”

“But-” Lea started.

“Leave it alone, Lea.”

 _That_ tone? For fuck's sake. “Fine,” Lea said, running a hand through his hair. “I’ll take my tea upstairs, I guess.” He picked the mug up and muttered something under his breath as he walked away.

Isa’s breath caught in his throat. He turned slowly to stare at Lea’s retreating back in horror, disgust, and dismay. “What did you just say?” he asked. His voice was low and calm, barely covering a swirling vortex of indignant fury.

Lea stopped in his tracks. He knew what he had just said was close to unforgivable. He was already regretting it. Still, if he denied what he had said, Isa would never believe him. Better to get the inevitable fight over with. Lea closed his eyes. “I said, when you look at me like that, it's like you're Saix again."

Isa stood up slowly, turning to face Lea. His eyes were wide, his face was a mask of rage. "Like I'm Saix again?” he snarled. “How dare you?"

Lea turned around too. "I fucking mean it! You get that blank, angry look in your eye, it makes me want to… To…"

Isa stood still, staring straight at him. "To what, Lea? Exactly what does it make you want to do?"

Lea sighed, exasperated. "I don’t know, Isa. Look, it doesn't matter. Things are different now, right? It’s just… some bad memories making me react like this. I'm half asleep and talking bullshit."

For a moment, Isa was silent. Then, he spoke, his voice dripping with ice. "Things aren’t as different as you think.”

Lea had a very bad feeling about where this argument was going. He had expected it to end quickly with him sleeping alone on the couch for the night. “What do you mean?” he said, uncertain whether he should be engaging or avoiding the conversation entirely. “We have our hearts back. We live together. We can talk about things. Life seems pretty different to me.”

"It would to you," Isa said. He closed his eyes. "But I…" Lea noticed that his hands were clenched into tight fists. "I…"

"You can tell me," said Lea. He put his cup down on a cabinet and rushed back to Isa, reaching for his hands. Isa snatched his hands away from Lea, and Lea groaned. "C'mon, Isa. I want to help."

Isa's eyes opened into a glare. "No, you don't want to help," he snapped. "You want everything to be fine, as if our time as Nobodies didn't affect us at all. That's always been you, hasn't it? If the truth isn't pleasant, you ignore it and carry on. Making friends with people who were easy to be around. Playing house, and then playing the hero. Plastering over any cracks so no one can see them, even while the foundations break down."

Lea was completely lost. "What are you talking about? I thought life was going well for us."

"For you," Isa said. "Not for me. But I suppose it was unfair of me to expect you to notice, _Axel_."

Lea took a step backwards, his head spinning as if he had been slapped. "Axel!? Since when do you call me that?"

Isa smiled an unpleasant smile. "I called you that for years, remember? You went around telling everyone you met to memorise that name. Even now, you introduce yourself to strangers as Axel, as if it's a simple nickname and not a statement of who you are."

Lea's face was a picture of angry confusion. "It's just a name, Isa. I got used to the kids calling me Axel, so it stuck around."

Isa raised his voice. "So if it's just a name and you're the same person whether you're called Axel or Lea, why is it such a horrible thing if I'm also Saix?"

"Because Saix was a fucking asshole!" Lea responded, frustrated.

"And so am I!" thundered Isa.

The two of them stared at each other, breathing heavily, both hoping they wouldn't hear Roxas or Xion's footsteps upstairs. Without thinking, Lea clenched his fists, ready to block if Isa threw a punch.

The punch never came. Instead, Isa began to shake. Lea's mindset shifted from one of stubborn opposition to one of concern as Isa raised his hands to his face and turned slightly away from Lea. "I met up with Even tonight," Isa said. "I have seen him a few times recently. You know I have been having strange emotional reactions and outbursts. I asked him for help as I feared my heart was damaged, but after some tests, it seems like my heart is in good order. It's my memories of being a Nobody that appear to be causing my troubles. Even thinks they lead me to react in negative or harmful ways."

"Like how I reacted earlier when you were being all cold?" Lea moved forwards again, reaching for Isa's hands. "I'm sorry about that, Isa. It was annoying when you wouldn't answer my question, but the truth is, you've always had your cold moments, even when we were kids. It wasn't fair that I brought Saix into it." He weaved his fingers between Isa's, continuing, "Look at how long Roxas took to get comfortable around to you, even once he found out you engineered his whole return. And Xion… She's really scared of disappointing you, and it's not just because she admires you. You're not the only one reacting badly to things in this house. Sounds like maybe we're all a little broken, and there's no quick fix for us."

Isa glanced at Lea, still uncomfortable. "You're still making me sound like a monster."

Lea shook his head. "Nah. You've always been a jerk with a heart of gold." A thought struck him. "By the way, I know you met up with Even like two weeks ago, the waiter at the Bistro told me. Tests and hearts and memories… What are you planning?"

Isa sighed. "Can we talk about that tomorrow? It's 3am."

"Okay," said Lea. "We both still have tea left. Let's drink it in bed, okay? I can skip work tomorrow too. That way you'll have all day to explain it to me."

A flicker of warmth grew in Isa's chest. A small smile crept onto his face. "Don't skip work, Lea," he said, scolding his partner gently. "We can talk afterwards." He pulled one of his hands away to pick up his mug of tea, and then let Lea pull him away from the kitchen and up the stairs to their shared bedroom.


	4. A Fragmented Chain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With help from Ienzo, Even begins to test Isa’s memories. Isa is treated to a fragmented, whirlwind tour of his life as his memories are digitized. Can he stay in control after seeing all the things he did again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SLOWBURN Day 4 : “Can’t you pretend to love me this once?”

The alarm on Isa's phone went off. He pulled away from Lea and switched it off. "I have to go," he said. "Even will be waiting."

"Aww." Lea rolled onto his side and draped an arm around Isa's waist. "Can I come with you this time?" he asked, leaning in to kiss Isa again. 

Isa smiled, but shook his head no. "You have work tomorrow," he said. "Sleep. We can discuss this later."

Lea pouted, but snuggled down under the covers. "Don't stay out too late, okay?" he said. "I'll miss you."

Isa sat on the edge of the bed and stretched before reaching for the underpants he had dropped onto the nightstand. "You can't miss someone while you're asleep, Lea," he said, pulling them on. 

"Yeah? Watch me. I bet I'll dream about you," said Lea. He closed his eyes. "I can see it now. We're in a forest somewhere. It's sunset. We're running from some sort of monster, but we can't turn around to look at it. We run for hours. Eventually we hide under a bush to escape. Then, we're somehow naked, and making out, and you say you want me to-" 

"I'm leaving," said Isa, standing up and pulling his jacket over his shoulders. 

Lea laughed. "Stay safe," he said. "Use protection."

Isa rolled his eyes. "You're not funny when you're this tired."

"What? Nah, I'm always funny. And handsome. And humble!" Lea flashed Isa a grin. "Hit the lights when you leave, ok?" 

Isa turned away so his partner wouldn’t see him smile so widely. “See you, Lea,” he said, flipping the switch as he left.

Half an hour later, Isa walked up the drive to the Old Mansion. The bell in town began to toll as he knocked at the door. It had been a few days since he had last been to the Mansion, as Even had been hard at work preparing the pod they would use to view Isa’s memories.

When the door opened, Isa was surprised to find Aeleus, another ex-Nobody and one of the researchers’ hulking guards, towering over him. Aeleus stared down at him, confusion painted across his rough-hewn features. Isa was relieved that he didn’t seem angry. “I’m here for Even,” he said to the guard. 

Aeleus frowned. “Wait,” he growled, starting to close the door. 

“Wait, Aeleus!” Isa recognized Even’s voice from down the hallway behind the door. Running footsteps rang out from behind Aeleus before the scientist shoved himself in front of the guard, his chest rising and falling heavily. “Isa,” he panted. “Please head down to the lab and I will be with you in a few minutes.” He pulled the door open again, nudging Aeleus back with his shoulder. Isa walked in, glancing warily at the guard as he passed by. He paused at the door to the library for a moment; down the hall behind the front door, Even was standing very close to Aeleus, whispering to him. As he did, Aeleus nodded. Then, to Isa’s surprise, the guard reached forwards and brushed a wayward strand of hair off Even’s face before sliding one massive hand over Even’s smaller one. Isa felt himself staring at their joined hands, noticing how naturally Even squeezed Aeleus’s hand back, as if they didn’t need to question or think about it. It was such an odd thing to see. A knot rose in Isa’s throat and his hands clenched. He felt jealous of how normal and unguarded they seemed. He tore his eyes away and rushed into the library and down the stairs to the basement lab. 

Being back in the lab, the familiar tension that built in the pit of his stomach every time he found himself there began to rise. Yet, Isa was surprised to find himself more calm than he had been before. He must be getting used to being there. 

He walked towards the bank of computers he and Even had been using. As he sat down in one of the two seats in front of them, he heard a door nearby open. Isa spun his chair around only to find himself staring at a young man. Dark, messy hair fell across the man’s surprised face. He had a few loops of cable draped over his arms and was hugging a binder labeled “Mem-Pod Manual and Cookbook” For a moment, Isa remembered that face peering out from under a black hood, questioning every word that came out of his mouth, his rival in a complicated battle of words and power plays as they each tried to win the favour of… 

No. The young man smiled, and Isa’s mental image shifted to an older one: rather than the Nobody Zexion, Isa remembered a boy with that same smile following him and Lea around the Old Mansion as they ran errands, chattering happily about scientific concepts that Isa pretended to understand and be vaguely interested in while Lea rolled his eyes. He remembered feeling secretly flattered that this child would look up to him and Lea so much, even though they were just ordinary kids. Children often looked up to Lea, but Isa was generally too taciturn to interest them. He remembered getting annoyed when Lea suggested they lock him in a closet for a few hours. “So that’s what you do with stray puppies when they bark too much?” he had said. "Do you really want to be a bully, Lea?"

Lea hadn’t liked that. “Since when do you stick up for kids, ya jerk?” he had said, punching Isa lightly in the arm. “He’s a nerd, Isa.”

Isa gestured at the lab coat Lea was wearing over his usual clothes. “In case you hadn’t noticed, so are we.”

Lea pouted. “Yeah, but he never shuts up. Come on, just this once?” Isa was ready to put up a fight but then, he thought of how long it had been since they had had a couple of hours to hang out together. Ienzo had spent a while in a supply closet that day. Much to Lea’s chagrin, the next day the boys had been regaled with an incredibly detailed story the child had come up with while in the closet. Lea never suggested locking him up again.

If Ienzo held childhood injustices or the actions of his Nobody against Isa, he did not show it. “Isa!” he said, rushing over to shake his hand. “It’s good to see you!”

Isa shook his hand, wondering why Ienzo was so cheerful. “You look well,” he said politely. 

“Oh, yes? I suppose life has been kind to us recently,” said Ienzo, settling down into the chair beside Isa’s. “Work is good, and it has been very interesting working on your project for the last week. When Even told me about it, I was fascinated.”

The breath caught in Isa’s throat. His mouth grew dry. “Even… told you?” he said.

Ienzo nodded, briefly swinging the curtain of bangs off his face. “Oh, he didn’t tell me too much, don’t worry. He just needed an extra pair of hands in the World of Departure and to get the pods working again. And of course, he told me a little of the methodology you’ll be using here.”

Isa heard Even’s footsteps above. “What did he say about that?”

“He explained that you were experiencing distress related to your memories and suggested using Mem-pods to explore your memories and locate the ones that are causing you these problems,” Ienzo said. “Though I am not sure what he intends to do after that.” He looked up at Even, who was coming down the stairs. “Ah, I need to finish rewiring that pod. But please, let’s catch up more later!” Ienzo stood up, smiling at both Isa and Even before grabbing a tool from a nearby rack and hurrying back into the other room. 

Even slid into the chair Ienzo had just vacated. He took one look at Isa’s face and winced. “Look, I can explain,” he said.

“You’d better,” said Isa, crossing his arms. 

“You remember how Ansem the Wise ordered us to deactivate any equipment involved in the creation of replicas after we recompleted Namine?” said Even. “No? Well, he did. Part of that equipment was the pods we used to create data copies. While the heart is easier to read and monitor, memories are a more difficult thing to tamper with without supernatural abilities. The easiest way to view and analyse your memories would be through a data snapshot. Reactivating the equipment is a long and difficult process, though. Ienzo saw me reading the manual and offered to help. If I didn’t have him at my side, this would have taken much longer.”

“I could have helped,” said Isa.

Even’s eyebrows rose higher than any human’s rightfully should. “This sort of work is only appropriate for a specialist,” he said. “Especially as we had to dismantle the security systems Ansem the Wise put on the decommissioned equipment. One mistake, and he would have been alerted to everything we have been doing here.”

Ah. That made sense. Isa nodded. “And Ienzo knows that your Master isn’t meant to know about this work?"

Even looked sheepish. “Er - not quite. He knows this is private research, and we tend to not discuss private work with the Master while it is ongoing. We usually send him progress reports, so I have told Ienzo that I will take care of all the reports for this. He would not help if he knew this was truly secret.”

Isa frowned. He glanced towards the door to the pod room, and said in a low voice, “You realise how easy it would be for him to let something slip? This is a terrible risk.”

“I am aware,” hissed Even. “This is why we need to get this done quickly and then never discuss it again.”

Isa’s mind seemed to race, but not in the disorienting, directionless way he had become used to. Instead, it whirred with ideas; planning and hiding had always been his forte. With a goal in mind, he felt focused. “Staying silent won’t stop it coming out,” he said. “You've mentioned to me that you are allowed to carry out personal research as long as you follow a specific protocol. Send me that protocol and I can create backdated documents that cover for this work. Then, you can hide them in an archive.”

Even thought of Ansem the Wise’s labyrinthine archive in Radiant Garden and the mess of paperwork he still had to complete for his on-the-record projects and winced. “I suppose we could-”

The door to the pod room opened, cutting off his words. “The pod is ready!” called Ienzo from inside. “We are missing a key component to unlock its full editing capabilities, so it’s in a read-only mode. I hope that will be enough for now.”

Even rushed to the pod room, interrogating Ienzo over the work he had done to get the pod working. Isa followed more slowly

Since finding out that his heart was intact, his emotions had stabilised slightly. However, though he was aware that this test was purely an investigation into his memories, he still felt trepidation as he walked into the second basement room. 

The room was large and darker than the computer room. The walls were covered with cables and racks of equipment with blinking lights, with several bud-like memory pods glowing gently in between the racks. The closest pod to the door was open; Isa felt a tightness in his stomach looking at it. He had been in something similar yet rudimentary many years before, as an apprentice that fateful summer when he and Lea had been dragged into this whole mess. Unlike Lea, he had volunteered to participate in some tests… It was during one of these that an early memory-reading device had burned the X-shaped scar into his face. 

He never would have agreed to this test had he not seen Organization XIII’s successful projects a decade later. These pods were the ones developed by Ansem the Wise to make use of Naminé's memory-altering powers, and were very similar to the ones Even’s Nobody Vexen had used to create data backups of all the Organization members. 

Isa knew that entering this pod would not physically harm him. Still, as Ienzo and Even helped him into the pod, explaining that the computer would digitise his memories and then he would be able to explore them from the lab’s computer system, he again felt almost out of touch with his body, like he was passively watching himself settle into the pod. When the petals closed around him and his consciousness began to slip, he welcomed the sweet respite of oblivion.

But oblivion did not come. Instead, time flashed before Isa’s eyes. He was barely conscious, a passive viewer as the years of his life rushed by. At first, they went smoothly, so quickly that he almost couldn’t see them. Colours, people, places, all flashed past him. Was that flash of red Lea, smiling at him from up a tree? Was that blue the coat he wore everyday to school? Was that his own voice, talking about why the sun sets red, the taste of sea-salt ice cream on his tongue? Was that Lea’s laugh, or his tears? Was that _her_ face, looking out through a window of Ansem the Wise’s castle? Isa willed the stream to pause so he could look into the past, but his efforts of will had no effect upon time, which flowed onwards disregarding his wishes.

The summer he and Lea worked as apprentices blew by. Odd jobs, tests, more laughter, more Lea. Becoming a Nobody was a disappointingly simple moment, flashing past like the sudden in-out stab of a needle. Dark coats, dark corridors, more tests, more pain. Then, yellow eyes, looking out from his own. If he were awake, Isa would have panicked, but he was apart from it all. Soon, a good feeling. The weight of a claymore in his hand for the first time. 

Before he could enjoy it, time froze. For a moment, Isa felt his lips stuck on the word “Down.” Power building from his core. White-hot pain across his face as his old scar split open. The memory broke, like a glass panel shattered by a fist. It froze there, hanging in painful, glittering pieces.

Isa could not think. He wasn’t aware of how long he hung in that moment. Time no longer existed for him. 

Then, it all moved again. A moment of his body against a hard floor, bruised and exhausted, passed onto more black coats. Papers between his fingers. Physical drives like hunger, tiredness, arousal, repeating like a boring drone.

The stream of time had not recovered, though. It jolted now and then. Sometimes, it would freeze and break, usually when Saix called on the Moon’s Pale Light to fuel a berserk. Sometimes, it slowed down. 

His arms and legs were thin. His hair barely brushed his shoulders. The bed was hard under him. Axel’s face was in front of his as he slowly drew two upside down triangles under his eyes. “Your memories will not trouble you today,” his Nobody said. “They have no power over your body now. You will not cry.”

A flash of papers and dusks. Then, Axel’s arms around him, hours later. “It worked!” he heard. “You’re gonna draw these for me every day, right?”

“Draw them yourself." His lips moved as he pulled away from Axel. He felt his hand gripping the pen like a vise. He crossed his legs.

Time sped up again. More spikes of desire. At some point, secrets began. Whispers in hallways, in quiet rooms, and finally, under covers. Whispers and sneers against Xemnas, whispers and moans for Axel. Both around the same time. They always had been at their closest when working towards a common goal. 

Time slowed again.

He was stronger now. Taller. His hair was pulled back as fingers twisted in it and lips pressed against his own. Saix returned the kiss hungrily, pushing Axel back against the headboard and pinning him with one hand as the other reached to unzip Axel’s coat. The physical compulsion he was acting out was heightened by a desire to wrap himself in old memories of teenage longing and hope for the future. By now, Axel's body was familiar to him; this had become a common, yet welcome interruption to their scheming. Perhaps it was half the reason why they schemed. He dragged his fingertips down Axel's chest, watching his eyes squeeze shut and his body arch towards his touch. Then he pulled him down onto the bed, pressing their bodies together. Words on his lips now. “Think how much better this will be once we regain our hearts.”

Then, it happened. Axel turning his face away with a grimace. Words that hurt. "I don’t wanna talk about that now." 

"Why not?" 

"It’s a turn-off.”

Confusion. “You don’t find excitement in anticipation?” 

“I…” Lea - no, Axel’s lips faltered over the words. “It’s already exciting now. This is everything I wanted when we were younger. I don’t need it to change or get better. Why do you need more?”

Emptiness. “We are incomplete,” he replied. “Our ability to feel was stolen. What we do is physically satisfying, but it can’t be what we truly wanted. You know that."

“Isn’t it close enough though?” Hands gently holding his face. “Come on. Can't you pretend to love me this once?" Lea would have been crying, but there were no tears in Axel's eyes. 

Frustration. His own lips moving. "You are fantasising, Axel. You're not Lea and I'm not Isa. We cannot love each other. Love is for people who still have hearts." Why had he said that? He could have pretended to love Axel. He often called him "Lea" when they were alone together; All Axel wanted was to hear that name and a few kind words. Why couldn't Saix just give him what he wanted? 

Axel pushed him away so hard he slid off the bed. “Get out, Saix,” he snapped. "You fucking asshole. I don't know what I expected."

Pain. Standing up, pulling his coat on. “Axel. Your memories are getting the better of you.”

A glare that cut like a knife. “Yeah? Well, I wish you’d let yours affect you more.”

Anger. Stalking out the room through the hallways of the World that Never Was. Into another room. Summon some dusks and his hand grows heavy. The words on his lips, “Moon Shine Down.”

The memories broke around him. They resumed a while later, flying by again. 

They sped through a few more years. More cycles of hunger, exhaustion, desire, boredom. Finally, flashes of Roxas and a faceless puppet appeared. The memories began to break more often, and stick more often, at first on three figures laughing down the end of hallways as he stared, clipboard under his arm, alone but for the constant presence of Xemnas inside his hollowed-out being. 

Alone. No schemes. No hope. No Axel. Even the moments of broken memories didn’t matter. Isa watched it all flash by. Taunting a child. Bowing to Xemnas. Waiting for it to be over. Death. 

Back to life. Momentary flood of emotion. Back to death and re-vesselisation. Scheming. Many yellow eyes all around him. A slow moment of Lea’s shocked face as their weapons clashed over Sora's sleeping form. A gasp of “Isa!” before time flew again. 

Vexen. Demyx. Xion, and her face. The weight leaving his hand as he passed the Claymore to her for the last time. “If Lea can’t finish this, you know what to do.”

Her words. “I know. I can do it.” Then, “Thank you for teaching me.”

A final breaking point, which resolved into Lea’s eyes above him, full of tears. His arms holding Saix. The warmth of his body, and his chest rising and falling as he breathed. A heartbeat. Love. Death. 

Life followed next, painful and new, but real. This went fast. There were slow points now and then, but nothing truly dragged or broke. It was sweeter and brighter than what had come before, though. There was Lea, waving him goodbye as he left for work. There were Roxas and Xion leaving for school. but it was over very quickly. 

The process of his memories being copied seemed to take both a lifetime and a second. The feeling of his body slowly returned. Isa spent several minutes aware of himself, suspended weightlessly, but unable to move. He felt tired in a deep, fundamental way he had never felt before. For a moment, he was glad he didn’t have to remember any more; several painful memories begged him to let them surface, but he found he was so tired that he could actually ignore them. A sweet relief.

When Isa finally opened his eyes and looked out of the closed pod, he could see Even fast asleep in a chair nearby. When the plasma-like medium suspending Isa in the pod dissipated and the petals began to open, the scientist awoke with a start. He rushed over, helping Isa out of the pod and into the chair he had just been sleeping in. “How are you?” he asked, turning to disconnect some cables from the rack beside the pod. 

Slumped in the chair, Isa watched the green lights on the rack turn red as the pod closed again. He felt heavy; moving his body had been difficult. “Fine,” he said. “Did it work?”

“To some extent,” said Even, turning to Isa again. “We saw a large number of errors, though. The copy process seemed to stick and slow at times, as well.” He shook his head. “Luckily, Ienzo and I were able to push it along. It took some quick real-time debugging and a hard reset skipping a few years at one point. You should rest on a couch in the library for a while and then head home for the day. Ienzo went to bed a few hours ago, and this data still needs to process before we have any conclusions for you.”

With an intense labor of will, Isa struggled to sit up straight. “Ienzo went to bed? What time is it?” 

Even checked his wristwatch. “The process was much longer due to the errors and since we’ve had to use a more old-fashioned way of recording your memories. The pods help, but without Naminé's abilities to bridge the gaps in our technology… Well, it’s around nine in the morning now.”

Isa swore and jumped to his feet. Even grabbed him by the shoulders. “Isa! Sit down. You are extremely fatigued, it’s not acceptable for you to be rushing around.”

Isa felt dizzy. His vision distorted. “Lea… said… To not stay out too late…” he panted. 

He didn’t see Even’s frown deepen at the mention of Lea’s name. “Sit down,” Even repeated, trying to push Isa into the seat. “You are in a vulnerable state and need to rest.”

“Vulnerable?” Isa murmured. He felt his body begin to fill with the strength of the Moon. Usually, tucked it within himself where it couldn’t escape. However, Isa wasn’t thinking straight. For the first time in a year, he welcomed it. He didn’t call it to himself fully, but he let it fill his body with the delicious, pulsing power he used to use so often. Then, he pushed Even away as if he were a child. 

The researcher hit the floor with a cry as Isa stormed out of the room, his gummiphone flying out of his pocket. As Isa slammed the door behind him, Even grabbed the phone, scrolled through it until he found a number and pressed it to his ear. “Axel?” he said, his voice shaking. “I don’t want to alarm you, but Isa’s on the edge of going berserk. He is heading out of the mansion towards town. Please find him and take him home.”


	5. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After copying Isa's memories to data, Even has finally found the problem. However, the solution is less than ideal… And Isa has run into the forest and succumbed to his desire to berserk. Can Lea find Isa and bring him back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SLOWBURN Day 5: Choices

Leaves crunched and twigs snapped underfoot as Lea ran through the forest. His heavy breathing and the sound of his heart hammering in his chest filled his ears.

He paused to catch his breath, panting as he leaned against a massive, ancient-looking tree. Sweat ran down his brow into his eyes, stinging and making him curse. He squinted up into the branches overhead before looking around, cupping his hands around his mouth and bellowing "Isa!" for the umpteenth time.

The woods did not respond.

Lea's gummi phone beeped. He pulled it out and for a moment, his heart leaped with joy. Then he remembered that any text from Isa's number must be from Even. He scowled and opened the message.

_Any sign?_

_No_ , he replied. He shoved the phone back into his pocket and looked around for any signs of a person having passed by there. Deep in the woods, the trees were tall and ancient. There were few thickets that a passer-by could have treaded down, and the ground was too hard to offer up any footprints. Lea was about to start running again when he heard a crashing noise nearby. He turned sharply to the left and set off at a sprint. Another crashing noise followed from ahead, over a rise. Lea bounded to the top, pausing to look down into a small clearing. Two streams of sunlight speared down from above, where two empty spots broke the green tapestry of the forest’s canopy. Two fallen trees lay pointing outwards from the center of the clearing, their leaves fresh green and their stumps still oozing sap. A blue metal weapon stuck out from one of the stumps as if it had been thrust into the centre in an approximation of a killing blow. And in the very middle of the clearing, next to that stump, crouched a blue-haired man, facing away from Lea. There was dirt on the back of his dark jacket and leaves in his hair, as if he had fallen flat at some point. His ragged breaths filled the air.

“Isa!”

Lea ran forwards several steps towards his partner, hesitating when Isa stood up and turned away from him. Lea’s eyes flicked to the claymore Lunatic. He hadn’t seen Isa go berserk since his recompletion, it was hard to know how the man would behave. This had the potential to get dangerous. Lea drew his keyblade as a precaution. “Isa?” he asked. “Hey, I heard that things went bad today. What do you say we go home and talk it over, huh?

A guttural growl escaped Isa’s lips. His hands clenched and unclenched. Yet, he neither turned to face Lea nor reached for Lunatic.

That was promising. Perhaps Isa wasn’t fully berserk this time. Lea took a careful step forward. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go.” He took another step forwards, then one more and reached out to touch his partner.

In one fluid motion, Isa turned, swatting Lea’s hand away and grabbing the hilt of his claymore. The keyblade wielder barely had time to brace himself before Isa surged towards him, the heavy claymore in his hands again. Their weapons met with a loud crash, sending Lea back to the last time they had fought like this. As they traded blow for blow, he remembered how unfamiliar his keyblade had felt in his hand back then. He remembered how terrifying fighting at a close range had been, and how difficult it was to fight while trying to talk him out of his berserk state. Yet, Saix had been a deadly and well-practiced melee fighter. Even if he had not been berserk, Lea couldn’t have beaten him one-on-one. He would have stood a better chance with his old chakram. All he could do with the keyblade was desperately block attacks while jumping out of Saix’s range, only to find himself both too far to land a strike and open to another charge. At one point, he had even thrown his keyblade at Saix in desperation, accidentally discovering that it worked a bit like a boomerang. It hadn’t taken Saix much effort to beat Lea into the ground for Xemnas to mock.

But now, the tables had turned. Lea was the one who was fitter and in practice, while Isa hadn’t held his claymore in over a year. Even in this berserk state, each strike was softer and every movement was more predictable than it would have been a year ago. There was something different about his demeanor too: Isa’s face was not drawn into a terrifying mask of unbridged rage. Instead, he looked hunted. Every time their weapons clashed, he winced, occasionally even closing his eyes. Lea could exploit this weakness. He pushed close so that Isa could not take advantage of Lunatic’s longer reach. He danced around the berserker, parrying and dodging blows easily, pressing him back until Isa collided with a tree. Before Isa could use the trunk for leverage to launch a charge, Lea dropped his own keyblade and grabbed Lunatic’s hilt. He pushed his body against Isa’s, pinning him against the tree as he wrenched the claymore out of the berserker’s hands, throwing it a few feet away.

Isa roared, beating at Lea with his fists and clawing with his nails. Lea grabbed his wrists, pressing his hands back against the tree. He found himself staring at the jagged, stretched scar marring Isa’s face. Anger rose inside him; he didn’t hate Isa’s scar, but he hated how it had been inflicted on him by Xehanort under the guise of scientific tests. As bad as the scar was, though, Isa’s eyes were worse. Lea had never heard the full story of where this berserk power came from or how Isa had learned it, but he knew that Xemnas had at the very least encouraged it. Lea didn’t want to see those eyes Isa had worked so hard to get back glow with dark power again. He looked away for a moment before pressing his forehead against Isa’s, trying to breathe deeply and slowly. He felt Isa’s breathing slow too, echoing his own. Then, Isa spoke. 

“I told him… I’d be home.”

Lea’s eyes opened in surprise. Isa’s eyes were still glowing, but his struggling subsided. “I have to go home,” continued Isa, his voice a raspy whisper. “I told Lea…”

Lea’s heart felt like it might break. He released Isa’s wrists and wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him forwards so Isa’s face head rested on his shoulder. “I’m here, Isa,” he whispered. “It’s me, Lea. The guy you can’t forget, right? And I’m not letting you go this time.”

The built-up power began to drain from inside Isa, floating upwards, away to the moon. Part of him clutched at the strands; the power of the Moon felt safe. When it filled him, he didn’t have to think or plan, his mind was set on one purpose. It was a special freedom and comfort, just for the moments the power filled him. 

This time, though, the fading embrace of the Moon didn’t leave him cold. His awareness of the forest slowly returned; the leaves overhead rustled and tiny spotlights of warm sunlight danced across his skin. But warmest of all were the strong arms wrapped around him, the body against his, the heart pounding just inches away from his own. Panic rose inside him, twisting his stomach and squeezing at his throat. He clearly hadn’t made it to their house, so where were they? Had he hurt Lea?

Then, as if reading his mind, Lea whispered, “It’s ok. I’ve got you, buddy; now and forever. Got it memorized?”

Isa’s hands moved around Lea’s waist. His eyes closed. He was home.

A long while later, Aeleus walked into the library of the Old Mansion carrying three cups of coffee. He passed one to each of Lea, Isa, and Even. Lea took a sip and gasped, “Hey, this is really good!” He took another sip and nodded appreciatively. “Thanks.”

Aeleus met Even’s eyes for a moment before flashing Lea a smile and leaving the room.

Even put his cup down on a book-covered coffee table in between his arm chair and the sofa Isa and Lea were sitting on. The scientist was beginning to feel frustrated. He could understand Isa being exhausted after what he had been through in the past 24 hours. Lea, however, was driving him up the wall. The ex-nobody was always fidgeting with something, like his shirt, a book from the table, or Isa’s hair. He seemed incapable of sitting still. Even was sure the redhead hadn’t paid attention to anything he’d said. “Anyway,” he continued, barely concealing his annoyance. “That was a very basic explanation of what has gone wrong with Isa’s memories. I hope that was simple enough for you to follow.”

Lea looked unimpressed. “Oh, I think I got it. You basically put him through hell in order to tell him that he has a bunch of bad memories and that going berserk screws up his memory even worse,” he said. “Some research.”

Even scoffed, leaning back in his chair, arms crossed. “If that’s all you heard, then I’ve truly wasted my time.”

Isa sighed, closing his eyes. He felt drained. “That’s not all Even said, and you know it,” he said, his voice quiet. He took a sip of his coffee before saying, “We all have a difficult, shared past, it’s true. However, these are my issues we are discussing here, and I would prefer if we discussed them like adults.”

Lea leaned forwards, his coffee cup gripped between his hands. “You traitor, Isa,” he joked. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“For once,” said Isa. “I am on my own side.” He stood up. The bruises on his back from being pressed against the tree screamed, and he winced. “You two should air your grievances. I am tired of being a bridge. I am going to take my coffee downstairs and watch Ienzo process the data. You may come join us when you’re not enemies anymore.”

Even and Lea stared in silence as Isa walked around the couch and began to slowly descend the stairs to the basement. Before his head vanished, he flashed the two of them a reproachful glare. Even and Lea turned back to glare at each other, taking identical sips of coffee. Noticing the shared action, they both hurriedly put their coffee cups down. They both leaned slowly back in their chairs, refusing to break eye contact. Then Even crossed his legs and Lea spread his apart more, breaking the chain. Like one, they both snorted, stopping sharply to stare at each other again.

Lea couldn’t stand the tension any longer. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s do this.” He stood up and bowed. “I’m sorry I burned Vexen,” he declared. “Burned You. However you prefer it. I’m not gonna say ‘Oh, it was Axel, it wasn’t me.’ I remember doing it, so I’m saying it was me. To be honest, I never liked you. You were nice to Isa when we were kids, but you treated me like I was stupid. That pissed me off. I didn’t really want to kill you, but I didn’t like you anyway and you dying made things easier at the time, so I did. I’ve actually thought about it a lot since, though, and I regret it. I could have completed my objective without doing that. And now that I know how much work you did to bring Roxas and Xion back, and about what’re doing for Isa… Yeah, I have a lot of regrets. I’m still not convinced that what you’re doing with Isa is good for him, but it looks like you’re really trying. So yeah. I’m sorry I burned you. I… er, won’t do it again.”

Even’s eyes grew wide with surprise. “Well, this is unexpected,” he mused. He took another sip of coffee, his eyes wandering over Lea’s bowed frame. “I did not think you were capable of self-reflection.”

Lea sat down again, picking up his drink. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all the bullshit we’ve been through, it’s that secrets and resentments just build up and make things worse. Also, when Isa tells me to do something, I do it.”

“Hmm.” Even rubbed his chin. “I never thought I’d say this, but you two are well-matched, aren’t you?”

Lea began to smile. “You wouldn’t believe how many people don’t see it,” he said. “But I think so too.”

Even nodded. “Alright. Well. I suppose you’d like a reply to your apology.”

“Yeah, I would.”

Even took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “Though your choice of words was pathetic, I accept your apology for Castle Oblivion. Though I hate to admit it, if you hadn’t ended my first stint as Vexen, I may never have realized that I needed to seek atonement. I can’t fully forgive you for the pain and scarring you inflicted on me, but I will aim to look at what happened with more objectivity going forwards. Let us put the matter of my death to rest for now. But…” Even leaned forward, scowling. “Of course I treated Isa well, boy! He was an intelligent and curious lad. You, on the other hand, had no interest in science whatsoever, and were useless around the lab. You were more fit for doing laundry and helping Dilan and Aeleus with repairs. And your treatment of Ienzo was completely unforgivable! You regularly told him to shut up, that he was annoying, and you even locked him in a cupboard once! Who knows what other mischief you inflicted on the poor child?”

Lea was taken aback. “Ienzo!? Hey, I get along fine with him now! Isn’t that stuff for him and me to deal with?”

Even sniffed, looking down his long nose at Lea. “As his guardian, I can’t forgive it. How would you feel if some snot-nosed brat treated Xion or Roxas in that manner?”

Lea answered without hesitation. “I’d destroy them.” Then, he quickly corrected himself, “No – I’d give them a serious talking-to and tell their parents. I wouldn’t crush a kid.”

Even looked skeptical, but didn’t press. “You understand, then.”

Lea chuckled. “Well, what do you know? I guess I do.” He paused for a moment. “I understood your explanation about Isa too, by the way. Basically, Isa’s got two things wrong with his memory, yeah? First, he was a vessel and he suppressed his emotions harder than the rest of us on top of that, so when he got his heart back, it had no idea how to react to all those flat memories that should have been emotionally charged. So now, it’s making up for lost time by shoving him full of emotions and turning them up to eleven. And on top of that, there’s a bunch of weird super-emotional spots in the middle there from the times he fully berserked. They’re so strong they almost broke your machines, but they don’t have real thoughts or feelings attached to them, and they’re probably throwing the flat memories around them even more out of whack. You have a couple of theories for how to fix that, but you didn’t tell us about them because you were annoyed at me.” He grinned at Even. “So? Did I get it right?”

Even was gobsmacked. Lea had been listening after all. “Broadly,” he replied. Perhaps he had underestimated the man.

Isa and Ienzo looked up from a cluster of screens as Lea and Even descended into the lab. Isa shot Lea a questioning look, which Lea responded to with a thumbs up. Isa smiled and stood, allowing Even to sit close to Ienzo and the screens. He and Lea stood side by side, looking over the two researchers as they chatted away in technical jargon. Lea wrapped an arm around Isa’s shoulder and leaned his head so his red hair mixed with Isa’s blue locks. “Is me being here really okay?” he asked Isa, his voice quiet.

“Yes,” Isa murmured. Somehow the basement computer room felt a little more open and comfortable with Lea by his side.

At that moment, Even turned to Lea and Isa. “Alright, gentlemen. We have a plan for how to deal with Isa’s situation. It looks like our previous theories may be applicable here after all. We’re going to take a double-pronged approach: Firstly, we will attempt to tune the highest emotional peaks your heart has tacked onto several memories down to standard levels. There are a few ways we could do this. Perhaps some simple manipulation would do the trick. Due to the high volume of memories, though, I would suggest a different route. There is a data copy of Saix (and the other members of Organization XIII) somewhere in Castle Oblivion – Or the Land of Departure, as it is now known. That data copy will contain your raw memories from your time as a nobody. I believe that when averaged with your emotionally-affected memoires, the complete lack of emotion in your data copy will dull the emotional excesses.The second part of this work, however, involves dealing with the emotional spikes in Isa’s memories caused by his… Moon-induced rage. This will be much more difficult.”

“Difficult for who?” said Lea. “For you, or-?”

Even and Ienzo shared an uncomfortable look. “Difficult for Isa, we think,” said Ienzo. 

Isa crossed his arms unconsciously, almost hugging himself. “What will you do to me?”

“It’s not so much what we will do as what choice you will make,” Even replied. “Obviously, we want to keep your memories as intact as possible. However, finding a way to deal with those berserk intrusions may be impossible. If we cannot find a solution, you may have to make a choice between carrying on with a corrupt set of memories or… Removing any berserk spots completely.”

Isa frowned deeply. “How would that work?”

“Think of your memories like links in a chain,” said Ienzo. “Imagine most of those memories are grey. Then, you get a few that are covered in red paint that rubs off on the ones around. Now, maybe we can wipe the paint off or paint them grey, but the easiest thing to do would be to take them out.”

“Leaving me with a shorter chain,” said Isa. 

Ienzo nodded. “Yes. And before you ask, we have no idea how that would affect you.”

“I see,” said Isa. He closed his eyes. “I have a lot to think about, then. How do you plan to manipulate my memories?”

“Oh, that’s simple,” said Even. “We would do it on a Saturday so Naminé would be available.”

Isa’s eyes flew open and Lea grew tense, his grip on Isa tightening. “Naminé!?” they both exclaimed. Lea continued, “I mean, it makes sense, but-” 

“No,” Isa interrupted. “I refuse to allow her to be involved in any of this.”

Ienzo turned back to the computers, shying away from the argument. Even stared up at Isa in confusion. “I grant you, she is young, but she is very capable. If you refuse her involvement, then I am not sure we can do anything for you. Why won’t you let her work on this? Nobody has as much experience with the realm of memory as Naminé. She is a valuable asset.”

Isa’s face twisted into a disgusted sneer. "She is a _child_ , Even,” he hissed. “And not any child, but one that our Nobodies took advantage of. She may be highly intelligent and interested in your research, but I will not allow her to be part of an experiment I am involved in."

Even opened his mouth to argue, but the sharp words he would normally use did not escape. His eyes lingered on the scar on Isa’s face, that smooth x-mark across the bridge of his nose. He remembered an afternoon many years prior, in the lab at Radiant Garden. Alarms had screamed all around him as he ran to the wall and desperately pulled the plug on one of Xehanort’s testing machines. Ienzo was under the desk next to the plug, thumb in his mouth as if he were a baby again. Even had squatted down to check on him and found him crying quietly. “Is he gonna be okay?” the boy had asked.

Even couldn’t reply. He ruffled the boy’s hair and turned to see Aeleus and Dilan run into the room, followed by Lea, who screamed and pounded his fists on the machine. Aeleus lifted the teenager off this feet and restrained him near Even and Ienzo as Dilan began to pull at the door in the front of the machine, aiming to break it.

A voice rang out. “Stop!” Dilans' hands released the door. He drew back near Even and Aeleus, allowing Xehanort to approach the device. Xehanort had seemed completely calm, not caring about the welfare of the boy inside the machine. The alarm blared on as he checked some readings on the computer nearby and typed a few commands in. He shook his head. “Three minutes to completion,” he murmured. “What a shame. We could plug it back in and wait, I suppose.”

That had been the first moment when Even had truly seen the monster inside Xehanort. He found his voice. “Young Man, that boy has been inside your device for far too long in an unstable condition.” he had said. “Release the boy now, or I will report this to the Master.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Xehanort smirked. Still, he stepped back. Dilan ran forwards again, and wrenched the door off the device.

A cloud of acrid, dark smoke spewed forth from within the device. Dilan held his breath and snapped the restraining belt, allowing the body inside to slump forwards into his arms. Near Even, Lea began to weep. “Isa!” he sobbed. “You fucking killed him, you bastard. I’m going to fucking kill you!” 

Xehanort lifted Isa’s wrist, feeling his pulse. “This one is alive. No harm done.” He shoved a hand in Isa’s hair and lifted his face, removing the breather and eye mask he had on. “Ah - I was wrong. There is some damage. Dilan, take the boy to a room. Even, attend to the burn on his face. And Aeleus… Keep the other one out of trouble.”

Aeleus had boosted Lea over his shoulder and carried him off, followed by Dilan carrying Isa’s unconscious body. Even had grabbed Ienzo’s hand and followed, pausing at the bottom of the stairs to glare daggers at Xehanort. “Next time, we test on animals first,” he spat before leaving. 

In the present, Even’s eyes dropped to the floor in shame. “I believe that this situation is one where Naminé would act as part of the research team, not a test subject. Still, I respect your wishes. We can try to work out some other way to do this, though I doubt we will find any.”

“Thank you,” said Isa. 

Then, Ienzo looked up from the screen he had been focused on for the last few minutes. "So, you know how our best bet involves asking Naminé for help?” he said. “I think I may have found a way we can test every possible scenario beforehand. It still involves asking her to use her powers in our service, but only to complete a final runthrough of memory modification on Isa himself after we carry out several digital test runs.” He looked over at Isa, his face pleading. “Isa, she would not be a test subject. She already works in the labs at Radiant Garden every day alongside the Master. This project would be small fry to her, and I am sure she would be delighted to help. She would barely interact with machinery at all, too. If you are worried about her being coerced, I can explain the situation to her and personally request her participation. I understand why you are so strongly opposed to her participation, but this situation is completely different from the past.

Isa shook his head. “I cannot agree.” 

“Hang on a sec,” said Lea. He was struggling to fully track what was going on, but he could guess what approach Ienzo was taking. “Isa, I was one of the guys who pushed her around in Castle Oblivion, remember? You still don’t know her that well, but I do. And I’m telling you, this whole mess is different to Castle Oblivion or that time when we were apprentices.”

Isa looked into Lea’s eyes, his expression pained. 

“It sucks,” continued Lea. “But hey, if you want to be 100% sure she’s okay with this, why don’t you go with Ienzo and talk to her? That way, you’ll get to see if she actually likes the idea, and you can be sure no-one’s coerced her.”

Isa stood silently for a moment. He couldn’t remember the aftermath of that test when his face had been scarred, but he knew Lea had seen the whole thing. If Lea thought this situation was different, perhaps he was right. “I will consider it,” he said, his voice low. “But only if these digital tests Ienzo suggests show favourable results.”

Even inserted himself into the gap in the conversation. “About these tests,” he said. “Explain, Ienzo. How could we carry out any test runs? We only have one Isa, and it would take Naminé or at least her powers to edit any memories."

Ienzo smiled a sunny, angelic smile. "Oh, that’s fine! We have a data version of her! It's not the same as having her here physically, she can't do any direct manipulation, but if you're running Ansem the Wise's datascape programs. she can make them work from the inside. We’ll just have her use her abilities and the Saix data within the datascape to edit our digital copy of Isa. We will only need the real Naminé to repeat a tried and tested method in the real world rather than simply jumping in and seeing what happens."

Even jumped to his feet. "You've had a data copy of Naminé all along and you didn't tell me!?" he squawked. For a moment, he sounded just like Vexen. He leaned very close to Ienzo and jabbed him in the chest with a finger. "Why can't anyone take a decent digital inventory around here? AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

Ienzo laughed sheepishly, leaning away from Even. "Sorry, Dad. We just haven't used her in over a year. You weren't back at that point."

"That's entirely irrelevant, my boy," said Even, crossing his arms. "You'd better get an inventory done this week or I'll… I'll… revoke your lab privileges for a month."

Ienzo's eyes grew wide. "You wouldn't," he said.

"I would," retorted Even. "If that's what it would take."

"That's ridiculous! I'm not an assistant or a child anymore. Maybe you should get us a secretary," argued Ienzo.

"Where am I going to find-"

"I can do it," Isa interrupted. The two scientists and Lea turned to stare at him. "You are doing all this work for me. Allow me to do something for you in return."

Even and Ienzo exchanged looks of disbelief. "Are you sure?" said Even. "Don't you have work?"

Isa shook his head. "I have a few irregular part-time commitments, that's all."

Even began, "Well, I would hate to make you miss those-"

Isa interrupted again. "Perhaps I haven't made myself clear enough." He sighed, closing his eyes. "I do odd-jobs around town occasionally. I have not been employed in a year. You hiring me would probably be to all our benefit." It would also make it easy for him to archive the falsified documents he was going to prepare without having to place that responsibility on Even, he thought. “I imagine it would be helpful for you if you no longer had to archive all your data and reports yourself,” he said, throwing Even a meaningful glance.

Even’s eyes grew wide. He gave Isa the ghost of a nod before saying, “I see. It does seem like a good idea.”

Ienzo did not notice the look that passed between them. "Does being in the Organization count as a real job?" he asked. “Technically, have you ever been employed, Isa?”

Isa frowned at him. He didn't want to think about that.

"It counts here," said Even firmly. "Isa did more paperwork than anyone back then."

"Saix did it," muttered Isa under his breath. “But yes, that is true.”

Even continued speaking. "Alright, Isa. I will accept a data inventory as a gift. However, if your offer to take care of our paperwork still stands when you're done, please allow us to pay you for your work."

Isa found himself smiling. Gratitude was a feeling he was beginning to enjoy. "I would like that very much. We can discuss the details at a later point, though. For now… the digital Naminé?" He looked at Ienzo.

“I’ll set her up,” said Ienzo. “We will need a while before we’re actually ready to do this, though. Retrieving the old Organization XIII data could take a few weeks, but it will at least give you time to make some important choices. I hope that’s alright.”

Isa felt a chill creep up his spine. “Choices,” he murmured. He looked at Lea, who seemed to have zoned out staring at a rack of apparatus decorated with glowing lights. Lea felt Isa’s gaze and looked back at him. He smiled and slid his hand over Isa’s, giving it a little squeeze. In that moment, Isa was very glad Lea was with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading so far! I should be updating this fic as the month progresses. ♥  
> The full list of prompts for Akusai Month can be found here: http://bit.ly/akusaimonth2019


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